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Episode 610: Whoopi Goldberg transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 14 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Why thank you, Scooter, it's always a nice thing to be on the show with you guys tonight." Scooter: "So how are things going lately?" Guest Star: "Oh, pretty good so far." Cut to Kermit appearing through The Muppet Show logo...... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Whoopi Goldberg, yaaaaay." [The Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Music Resumes Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: 'why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues Playing Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show. Of Joy Buzzer Buzzing Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome back again to The Muppet Show, I know we're all very excited, 'cause tonight's special guest star is the very talented, but not to offend Piggy by the way, Miss (Guest Star's name), and that's not all, she's been voice acting in The Lion King, Robot Chicken and Toy Story 3, but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Lips: "Hey, good luck with that." Kermit: "Anyway, here's Robin and Walter for the opening musical number." Opening Musical #: Halfway Down the Stairs (with Robin and Walter performing in a duet) Music In Background Robin: Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I sit there isn't any other stair quite like it I'm not at the bottom, I'm not at the top so this is the stair where I always stop Music Continues In Background Walter: halfway up the stairs isn't up or even down it isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town and all sorts of funny thoughts run round my head it isn't really anywhere, it's somewhere else instead Music In Background Again Robin: Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I sit there isn't any other stair quite like it I'm not at the bottom, I'm not at the top so this is the stair where I always stop Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony...... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, that song was originally when Harvey Korman was on our show back on Thursday, May 27, 1976." Statler: "That's right, it was way back before he passed away from natural causes at the age of 81 back on Thursday, May 29, 2008." Waldorf: "Those were 1 of the wonderful memories about him." Statler: "Wonderful indeed." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next." (He looks at the list of sketch numbers.) Kermit: "Oh, Bear On Patrol is next, Bear On Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear On Patrol sketch #: Stealing the Mona Lisa from the Johnny Cash Memorial Art Museum Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear On Patrol." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Alright, come with me, right this way, and here we go." Rowlf: "But I didn't do it, it wasn't even me." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "So what's been happening, Patrol Bear/" Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "I caught this dog stealing the Mona Lisa from the Johnny Cash Memorial Art Museum." Rowlf: "But I'm an innocent dog, I would never steal from any other art museum." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Let me see here." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob checks the guilty and innocent list, and finds Rowlf's name listed on the innocent list. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Yep, you're absolutely right, you're innocent after all." Rowlf: "Oh really? wow, super thrilling." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "In that case, you're finally free to go right now, take him off those handcuffs, Patrol Bear." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Patrol Bear/Fozzie unlocks Rowlf's hands/paws outta the handcuffs. Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "I think everybody should know How Much is that Painting in the Window?." Statler: "Or maybe How Much is That Doggy in the Window?." Waldorf: "In the window, as 'if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st name), how are you doing this evening?" Guest Star: "I'm doin' pretty good, Kermit, how 'bout you guys?" Walter: "We're doing pretty good as well too." Gonzo: "Hey, Kermit, (Guest star's 1st name), guys, I just told Rizzo about the closing musical number, which doesn't happen 'til the end of the show, and he got so excited about it, he developed a crazy case of the hiccups." Kermit: "What?!? good grief, I don't believe this!" Rizzo walks right in with a crazy case of the hiccups. Rizzo: "Hey, Hic you Hic guys Hic." Skeeter: "Oh my gosh, Rizzo, how are we ever gonna help you to get rid of your hiccups?" Rizzo: I don't know, you guys, I just can't seem t'get rid of dem, dey're drivin' me extremely crazy." Miss Piggy: "Why don't you try breathing through a light brown paper bag?" Rizzo: "I tried it befo'e, Piggy, and I couldn't even hold my breath fo' a very long time." Scooter: "How 'bout standing on your head and counting to 12?" Rizzo: "I also tried it befo'e, and I began sweatin' a bunch of times." Rowlf: "Wait, I have just the idea." Mildred Huxtetter: "Well, Rowlf, what is it?" Annie Sue Pig: "Yeah, tell all of us, Rowlf." Rowlf: "Here's the solution: take 1 deep breath and 1 sip of ice cold water." Rizzo: "Alright, here it goes." Rizzo takes 1 deep breath and 1 sip of ice cold water. Rizzo let's all of his breaths out, but there are no hiccupping sounds this time. Rizzo: "Hey, it wo'ked, my hiccups have finally disappeared." Gonzo: "Way to go, Rizzo, now we can continue the show right now." At the Dance Sketch #: Don't Stop Believing [Don't Stop Believing In Background] Kermit: Just a small town girl living in a lonely world she took the midnight train going anywhere Gonzo: just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit 'he took the midnight train going anywhere Fozzie: a singer in a smoky room a smell of soda pop and cheap perfume for a smile they can share the night Clifford: It goes on and on and on and on Rizzo: Strangers waitin' up and down de boulevard deir shadows searchin' in de night Scooter: streetlight people living just to find emotion hiding somewhere in the night Swedish Chef: Vurkeeng herd tu get my feell eferybudy vunts a threell peyeeng unytheeng tu rull zee deece-a joost oone-a mure-a teeme-a Rowlf: some will win, some will lose some were born to sing the blues oh the movie never ends it goes on and on and on and on Lew Zealand: strangers waiting up and down the boulevard their shadows searching in the night streetlight people living just to find emotion hiding somewhere in the night Walter: don't stop believing hold on to that feeling streetlight people Floyd: don't stop believing hold on streetlight people Uncle Deadly: don't stop believing '''''hold on to that feeling streetlight people Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "So, Statler, what do you wish to believe in?" Statler: "How 'bout wishing for something to get outta here?" Waldorf: "Good plan!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Sports sketch #: The banana cream pie balancing act Louis Kazagger: "Welcome again, everybody, to the wild world of Muppet Sports, where I've heard that 1 of the contestants is about to balance 4 banana cream pies on his shoulders." The camera zooms in on Contestant # 1, who's got 4 banana cream pies on his shoulders Sound Contestant # 1 begins walking around. Louis Kazagger: "And he's off, will he make it? will he win?" Contestant # 1 continues walking around, 'til he eventually wins. Louis Kazagger: "He did it, he made it, he won!" Splat! Louis Kazagger: "Boy, I sure wish I hadn't seen that 1 coming." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Statler: "Tell me, Waldorf, have you ever had a pie balancing act in your younger years?" Waldorf: "Well, no, actually, I did a cake walk." Statler: "Well, what do you call yourself?" Waldorf: "The cupcake man!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again ''Sam's Editorial Speech'': Dental Hygiene Sam goes right up to the podium and takes the microphone. Sam: "Good evening, fellow Americans, it is my pleasure to give an editorial speech about dental hygiene, now dental hygiene is very important, it can help prevent cavities and gum disease, you can also do this by brushing and flossing your teeth, and that's exactly what dental hygiene is all about." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." ''Pigs in Space'' sketch #: Giant Meat Eating Plant Attack Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the wise cracking Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes, aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Well, it looks like another day ahead." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "You can say that again." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, check out my new invention, you guys, the Plant Killer 500." Link Hogthrob: "Wow, that's fascinating, Dr. Strangepork." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What does it do?" Dr. Strangepork: "It can kill all sorts of terrible plants that invade your back yard or front yard." Link Hogthrob: "In fact, here comes a giant meat eating plant approaching." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What the-" Dr. Strangepork: "Don't worry about it, I have it all under control." Dr. Strangepork zaps the giant meat eating plant away with his Plant Killer 500. Dr. Strangepork: "There, that got rid of it." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy ever try to keep her looks? does Captain Link Hogthrob know what's going on? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." ''The Swedish Chef sketch #: Chocolate and vanilla ice cream sandwiches Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn '' ''bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng chuculete-a und funeella ice-a creem sundveeches." Swedish Chef: "Furst, get sume-a grehem creckers, zeen breek zeem in helff." The Swedish Chef gets some graham crackers, then breaks them in half. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot sume-a scuups ooff funeella und chuculete-a ice-a creem oon zee buttum perts ooff zee grehem creckers." The Swedish Chef puts some scoops of vanilla and chocolate ice cream on the bottom parts of the graham crackers. Swedish Chef: "Und lest boot nut leest, poot zee tup perts ooff zee grehem creckers oon zee chuculete-a und funeella ice-a creem perts." The Swedish Chef puts the top parts of the graham crackers on the chocolate and vanilla ice cream parts. Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a tu vrep zeem up in eloomeenoom fueel." The Swedish Chef wraps up the chocolate and vanilla ice cream sandwiches in aluminum foil. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, chuculete-a und funeella ice-a creem sundveeches." The chocolate and vanilla ice cream sandwiches come to life. Ice Cream Sandwich # 1: "Snuggly, buggly, wuggly." Ice Cream Sandwich # 2: "Couldn't get more comfortable in here." Swedish Chef: "I moost'fe-a spuke-a tuu suun." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I remember 1 time sitting in the park with my beautiful wife, Astoria, listening to the lovely bells of the ice cream vending carts." Statler: "What made you think about that?" Waldorf: "Ice cream sandwiches from outer space!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch #: Bean as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs." Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "And so just as I was sneaking right inside that real big cave, I found a real big treasure chest full of peppermint candy sticks." Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your cave jokes." Nurse Janice/Janice: "So who's our patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Behold, this little rabbit." Dr. Bob/Rowlf pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Bean as their patient. Bean: "Good grief, what happened this afternoon?" Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Oh my gosh, Bean, what's the matter with you?" Bean: "Well, I was walking around in the park, and some dragonflies and mosquitoes began biting at me, what should I have done to get rid of them?" Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Here's the solution, Bean: try using anti-pest repellent." Bean: "Good idea, easy for you to say." Announcer: "Does Dr. Bob have a prescription for this patient? will Nurse Piggy ever keep her magazines in alphabetical order? will Nurse Janice ever be spotted in a newspaper article? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any word for this patient?" Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, Nurse Piggy, he's gone a bit loopy around the edges." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again............ Statler: "Well, Waldorf, I've been to lots of medical visits myself lately." Waldorf: "What kind of problems did you have?" Statler: "The nervous funny bones!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." ''Muppet Labs'' sketch #: Musical Glow-Stick Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here, welcoming you to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, that's right, we're testing out our new invention: the Musical Glow-Stick." (Brief Pause) Bunsen: "What's that? you've never heard about a musical glow-stick before? well, the Musical Glow-Stick is an upgraded musical version of a glow-stick, only it plays music when you twist it, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, give it a try here, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee." Beaker picks up the Musical Glow-Stick. Bunsen: "Watch and see what happens." Beaker twists the Musical Glow-Stick and the Spice Girl's Wannabe is now playing. If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends make it last forever friendship never ends Bunsen: "And there you have it." Suddenly, Beaker begins break-dancing. Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh my word, Beaker, look at you, you're break-dancing." Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for this evening, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "Hey look, Statler, that young guy is break-dancing." Statler: "Well? how's he ever gonna control himself?" Waldorf: "Nobody knows!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again........ Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, people of all ages, here's Robin, Rizzo, Mildred and all of us for the closing musical number." Closing Musical #: When the River Meets the Sea Mildred Huxtetter: When the mountain touches the valley all the clouds are taught to fly as our souls will leave this land most peacefully though our minds be filled with questions in our hearts we'll understand when the river meets the sea Rizzo: like a flowa' dat has blossomed in dis dry and barren sand Robin: we are born and born again most gracefully Mildred Huxtetter: plus the winds of time will take us with a sure and steady hand when the river meets the sea Janice: patience, my brothers and patience, my son in that sweet and final hour truth and justice will be done Gonzo: like a baby when it is sleeping in its mother's loving arms what a newborn baby dreams is a mystery Animal: a mystery Swedish Chef: boot thees leeffe-a veell feend a poorpuse-a '' ''und in teeme-a ve-a'll understund vhee zee reefer meets zee sea vhee zee reefer meets zee elmeeghty sea Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........ Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once heard this catchy song in Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas." Statler: "What got you thinking about that, Waldorf?" Waldorf: "Music to my earmuffs!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: The final wrap-up Kermit: "Thank you everybody for being here tonight, it's a good thing Rizzo's hiccups are gone for good, you all did great out there, but right before we go, let's all give a real big round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage.... Guest Star: "Thank you so much for letting me be on your show tonight, Kermit, it's been a real good pleasure." Kermit: "You're welcome, (Guest Star's 1st Name), it's been super fun and exciting this evening." Guest Star: "It most certainly was." Kermit: "We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." End Production Credits Voice Performers Credits Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Bill Barretta Matt Vogel Ryan Dillon David Rudman' Peter Linz Tyler Bunch Category:Transcripts Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts